Help for kids coping with loss

New Hope offers counseling to children grieving death of loved one "Grief is something we cope with for the whole of our lives. It's a profound experience."

By LAURA UNGAR
Staff reporter
12/09/2003

Emotions overwhelmed 13-year-old Lauren Micale as she watched her dad slowly die of Lou Gehrig's disease. She felt angry at the world, and lonely at a time when kids depend on the camaraderie of friends.

"I was having a hard time feeling different from other kids," said Lauren, whose father, Frank, died in 1999. "Nobody was going through what I was."

Lauren, 17, of Brandywine Hundred, found understanding and acceptance through a Delaware Hospice program called New Hope, which is designed to help children deal with an experience that is heartbreaking and difficult even for adults: the death of a loved one.

New Hope serves about 350 5- to 17-year-olds a year, almost always children in the families of hospice patients. Social workers spend time with the children when the parent or other relative is dying, then a counselor visits the home or school as often as every month to provide whatever the child needs, whether it be advice and companionship or help talking about the death. The program also includes a four-day summer camp and a fall workshop for children who have lost loved ones.

New Hope is one example of how hospices are reaching out to children; other programs include support groups in Delaware schools for children who have lost loved ones, sponsored by the Wilmington-based Compassionate Care Hospice.

"Our hope is to set a foundation for them, give them coping strategies," said Stephanie Baffone, program coordinator for New Hope.

"Grief is something we cope with for the whole of our lives," added Alex Tyree, a bereavement counselor. "It's a profound experience."

Experts call children "the forgotten mourners," partly because adults often try to shield them from death. Alan Wolfelt, director of the Colorado-based Center for Loss and Life Transition and author of "Healing the Bereaved Child," said children mourn differently than adults. They often express grief through behavior rather than words, and may be aggressive, sad or fearful.

Baffone said she and her staff try to gently help families communicate their feelings, make children feel safe and clear up misconceptions about death.

"Kids typically want to know that they're going to be OK," said Baffone, who visits with children. "Sometimes, the kids will talk about how the adults in their lives are managing things. I always try to validate that however they're feeling is normal."

Wolfelt said adults must acknowledge the reality of the death, embrace the pain of the loss and help children remember the person who died. They also should help their children search for meaning and develop a new sense of identity without the physical presence of the loved one. And they should provide support.

New Hope aims to provide that support. The visits, which continue for 13 months after the death, may include talking and playing with the children. The camp and workshop allow children to spend time with others who have lived through a similar experience.

At the day camp, children are paired with volunteers and put into groups according to age and led by counselors. They participate in traditional camp activities such as softball, but also remember their loved ones in a memorial service that includes personal tributes from the children.

Eleven-year-old Freddy Casino of Wilmington, who lost his father, Frederick, to cancer in February 2002, said the program helped him talk about his feelings and feel like a regular kid. During visits with his counselor, they shot hoops and talked. He went to the camp twice - once by himself and the next year with his younger sister, Jessica - and attended this year's fall workshop.

"It lets you know there are other people who have gone through what you've gone through," Freddy said. "It's nice to have kids to relate to."

Lauren said New Hope helped her so much that she now volunteers at the camp with her mother. She has learned to incorporate memories of her father into her life. She regularly visits his grave, which has a gravestone with an etching of a lighthouse like the ones they used to climb together in North Carolina. She keeps many photos of him in her bedroom, near candles and lighthouse mementos.

"There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him," Lauren said. "He was my best friend."

Reach Laura Ungar at 324-2547 or lungar@delawareonline.com.
http://www.delawareonline.com/newsjournal/local/2003/12/09helpforkidscopi.html